Gifts I'd Like To Give mp3

It is a few days before Xmas, and time for the last minute gift buying frenzy. The real dilemma is what to choose. Do I go for the easy buy, the bargain that is shoved into my face the moment I step into the store? Or, do I risk precious dwindling minutes hunting for the perfect gift which has long since sold out? Retailers stock a limited quantity of any given item to last until one week before Xmas; their strategy is to force last minute shoppers to buy any items that have not sold, the items no one wants to give. I weigh my options, fall to my knees, and thank the Lord for the miracle of gift cards.

I see a solution to this problem: retailers should stock more popular items that no one wants. This seems to be a paradox, but not really; items can be fun to give, hence popular, but misery to receive, therefore unwanted. I have a list of such items I'd like to give:

  1. Mr. Pie – From the same vein that bleeds other useless small appliances, such as the panini griller, margarita blender, and hot-dog electrocuter, comes Mr. Pie. More of a pie warmer than a pie baker, Mr. Pie tells the gift recipient what they probably already know, “Hey, you’re not eating enough pie!” (It literally tells him this whenever he approaches, using a motion detector.) It also tells visitors to the giftee’s house the reason for his obesity. (Again, literally – the motion detector can sense when others are with him, and changes its message to, “Oh, no, not again!” “Aren’t three slices a day enough?” or “Time for an angioplasty.”)

  2. Fast Food Fragrance Set – This boxed set combines the gifty items people love to give – shower gel, hand soap, body lotion, bath salts – with the fragrances of popular cheapo chain eateries. Users will smell like fried food addicts or fast food assistant managers. Choose from three sets: the basic McDonald’s/Burger King deep-fry fat scent, a south of the border Taco Bell aroma, or Long John Silver’s for a nautical odor.

  3. Beers of the Third World – For the beer loving guy on your list (which is virtually any guy), a collection of flavors that would force hardened alcoholics to go sober. Includes such hard to find brews as Somali Stout, Libyan Lager, Afghani Ale, Pakistani Pilsner, Bitter Mash from Bangladesh, and The Fermented Mystery Waters of the Congo. Comes with history of brewing for each country represented. Also comes with a list of known bacterias and toxins in each variety, and a warning label, “For novelty purposes only – drink at your own risk.”

  4. Guitar Hero: John Denver Edition – What could be more fun to give than a release of Guitar Hero that no one wants to play? It doesn’t necessarily need to be the John Denver Edition, any of the following versions would be suitable: Hannah Montana Guitar Jam, Bad Pre-Teen Garage Band, Artists Whose Names End In -Itney, or Himalayan Chants. Perhaps they could all be bundled into one version, Guitar Hero: The Songs No One Wants To Play Or Ever Hear Again Edition.

  5. Pet Rock for Nintendo DS – It does nothing. It neither needs nor requires any interaction. It just sits there like…a rock. A great video game for those who have no time for distractions or personal interactions in their lives. Also available in a version for the Wii.

  6. Word of the Month Club – Another gift for the busy individual is a year’s subscription in this club of not-so-bon-mots. Show the lucky recipient how much you care by increasing his vocabulary by twelve words. Each word is accompanied by a certificate of authenticity, a brief definition, and is used in a sentence for context (for example, “Loser: one who consistently fails. The person who enrolled you in the Word of the Month Club thinks you are a loser.”) Annual enrollment is guaranteed to include one foreign word, and three synonyms.

  7. Crock of Pickled Fruitcake – Or, any other holiday food swimming in a jar of brine.