How to Perform Self-Examinations and Diagnoses
by Dr. Matt Brauer (honorary doctor of medieval medicine)

With the constant rise of health care costs, and the constant diminishing of health insurance options for people who live below the “rich guy poverty line” (that is, the minimum annual income a rich guy will tolerate), many people are looking for ways to reduce their health costs. Some take medical holidays to countries where health care is affordable, some turn to alternative medicine, and some pray to their favorite deity that they’ll win the lottery to be able to afford the month’s worth of pills they need to keep their heart beating.

As part of the overall cost reduction, some perform self-examinations and diagnosis of their ailments. Fortunately, both are easy to do, and many people already do this instinctively. For example, after sitting in the sun for four hours without sunscreen, Barbie Beachbum will look at her rosy pink skin and determine, “I have sunburn.” Clumsy Carl will see his left foot facing backwards and conclude, “I have a broken ankle.” And Fred the Farmer instinctively knows, “That combine ripped off my arm.”

Unfortunately, not all ailments are so easily observed and diagnosed. How does one determine if he has a coronary artery blockage? Or a colo-rectal blockage? Or a psycho-sexual blockage? Fortunately, my honorary doctorate in medieval medicine is here to help you out.

For example, to determine if that excruciating pain you feel in your lower back is a kidney stone, boil a cup of kidney beans in a pot with a stone. If an ill wind blows through your window, or you hear a distant cat mew, you could be afflicted. If the pain persists for weeks without the ill wind or cat mew, you are probably afflicted. This also works for a suspected urinary tract infection if you replace the beans with a sheep’s bladder.

If you are worried about a coronary artery blockage, boil a cow’s heart in a pot with a stone. Then eat a one-hundred-ounce steak covered in Bearnaise sauce, with a side of fried cheese nuggets. If the dinner does not induce a heart attack, you are probably fine. Repeat if you are concerned your big unhealthy steak dinner gave you a coronary blockage.

To diagnose a lower gastric blockage, boil a pig’s intestines in a pot with a stone for an hour, then let cool. Grind the ham hocks in a meat grinder, remove the outer membrane from the pig intestines, and stuff the membrane with the ground meat and seasoning, tying the casings at six-inch intervals. Process the resulting sausages in a smoker, and store to age for two weeks. If you haven’t had a bowel movement during that time, you have a blockage.

Regarding psycho-sexual issues, I cannot help you much. All I can say is, if reading about current political events makes you physically aroused, you likely have a problem.

Once you have diagnosed your ailment, I recommend you see a competent doctor to review your illness and get treatment. Finding a competent doctor should be no problem; we live in a country where medical knowledge and treatments are the best in the world. Except, of course, for those countries that offer the same medical procedures at greatly reduced costs as a matter of public service and social responsibility. And note: Canada is less than four hours away.