Dear Matt: Workplace Advice

Dear Matt: My new boss has a lousy habit of spinning things in the most negative way. For example, I’m working on a project that requires some cost cutting – a normal consequence of my job function for the past ten years – but my new boss makes it sound as if his paycheck, and my job, is dependent on the same satisfactory achievements my old boss once thanked me for. My question: How do I get my boss to stuff a flaming sock in it? Regards, Ready-to-Illustrate-to-My-Boss-What-Real-Doom-and-Gloom-Is.

Dear Ready,

What better way to motivate you than to threaten whatever costs you will not be able to save on your project will come directly from your own salary. Add to that a heaping helping of guilt in the form of your boss pining about not being able to feed his infant children due to your perceived lax work performance. The combination results in one of two things: fear-based motivation, or a general disdain of your boss and your job resulting in you pondering that loss of your job may be worth sticking it to your boss in the pocketbook, then shoving that pocketbook up an unmentionable place.

Unfortunately, you will never be able to get your boss to stuff a flaming sock in it. You will need to stuff that simmering footwear into him yourself. Before you do, I recommend you establish new living quarters and a new life in a country without extradition laws.

Sincerely, Matt.

Dear Matt: The guy I sit next to at work is a snooty elitist who acts as if the workplace is a country club. He spends most of his time talking about his excellent car, the sports teams he follows, and his affinity for snob wines. He does so at a volume that cannot be ignored or drowned out by blasting punk music directly into my ears. Yesterday, he capped off a week of irritations by bringing in his screaming toddler to terrorize our department. My question: What form of entrapment would you suggest to get him fired? Regards, Wishing-to-Exterminate-Without-a-Trace.

Dear Wishing,

There are many ways to exact revenge on a co-worker, but your order of entrapment without a trace is a tall one. In this digital age, a trail is always left behind by cell phone logs, ever-present video cameras, and potential witnesses who are so bored with their own lives that they seek out, and ultimately find, people engaging in the types of sabotage you are considering.

I suggest you search the internet for popular ways to entrap an a coworker and choose one that seems most appropriate for an elitist wine snoot, such as stuffing liquor bottles in his file cabinets, or sending an alcohol-soaked exotic dancer into an important meeting he is hosting. But before you do, I recommend you establish new living quarters and a new life in a country without extradition laws.

Sincerely, Matt.

(Editor’s note: Matt’s advice is for entertainment purposes only, and should only be considered “advice” in the academic sense. Perhaps not even that.)