You Always Make Me Feel Small
This sketch was written as part of a dialogue exercise at the Second City Training Center. The assignment was to write dialogue based on the first line, "You always do this to me. You always make me feel small." The original sketch was elaborated upon to provide an ending, and tie up some loose ends.
IN A COUPLE'S LIVING ROOM AFTER AN EVENING PARTY
FADE IN:
STACE:
(irritated)
You always do this to me. You always make me feel small.
TOM:
Well, you are small! You're four-foot-nine!
STACE:
Four-eleven, and you don't have to point it out to our friends.
TOM:
Good Lord, Stace, our friends can see that you're short. They all have eyes.
STACE:
But you don't have to exaggerate it, by, like, making me walk under the coffee table, do you? You don't have to point it out.
TOM:
(matter of fact)
I thought it was funny.
STACE:
I don't care if you thought it was funny.
TOM:
(pauses)
Tim and Janice thought it was funny.
STACE:
Tim and Janice are like the crudest people we know. Tim and Janice are your friends.
TOM:
Well, I didn't have to point anything out. You were the one who had to stand next to Bob. My God, he's six-foot-four. You looked like a freakin' garden gnome.
STACE:
(more irritated)
Ohhh, then it's my fault!
TOM:
I'm not saying that. You're just making a big thing out of something tiny.
STACE:
(angry)
What!?!
TOM:
(realizing his faux pas)
I mean...petty, you're being petty. You know, miniscule.
STACE is visibly very angry, with teeth clenched
TOM:
(more embarrassed, and slightly mortified)
No, no, I mean...aren't you being short-tempered?
(quickly realizes his mistake)
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I mean, aren't you being a little...
(quickly realizes his mistake)
No, I mean,
(in a lower tone)
I'm - going - to - shut - up - now.
STACE:
(sarcastically)
Oh, how big of you. Big man.
BLACKOUT.