Advice For the Lovelorn

Dear Matt: My boyfriend who I have been dating for a few months asked me out for dinner on Friday, then yesterday told me he had to break the date because some of his friends were coming in from out of town and he wanted to meet them. He didn’t invite me to join them. I was very angry that he did not invite me, and it was the second time he did something like this. I would not have done that to him! What should I do? Signed, Angry at Him.

Dear Angry,

I suppose you are the type of self-centered person who has to race up and swerve in front of your boyfriend at the last moment in the traffic merge lanes while he’s driving to work, rather than be civil. The kind who has to cut in front of people like your boyfriend in the sandwich shop line to make sure you get service first, even though you haven’t decided what you want when the sandwich maker asks you, or the kind who forces people to wait while you order half a dozen personalized sandwiches for your coworkers, when all I wanted was a #1. It’s all about you, you, you, as you stand at the register talking on your cell phone instead of promptly paying for your food allowing hungry people like me to finish our transactions and actually start eating. You know, that phone call can wait, and I don’t mean wait until you’re sitting at the table next to mine, when you get on the horn and talk at a volume that the entire restaurant can hear. That phone does have a power button allowing you to turn the damn thing off when you’re at a restaurant, theater, lecture, or workshop. Maybe you can start by showing a little courtesy for others by not pretending you are the only person in the universe that matters.

Sincerely, Matt.

Dear Matt: My husband does not appreciate me anymore and he has no reason not to. We’ve been married a couple years and things were fine at first, but he seems to be losing interest. We got into a heated argument about it yesterday, he clammed up, and hasn’t talked to me since. What should I do? Regards, Wants to Be Appreciated.

Dear Wants,

You know, if you want to be appreciated, perhaps you shouldn’t get line at the sandwich shop in front of your husband, only to dillydally around all confused and indecisive when the sandwich maker asks you what you want, or worse yet, order half a dozen personalized sandwiches for your coworkers, while people like your husband wait as patiently as they can while you hem and haw over sandwich toppings when all I want is a #1. And it sure would be nice if you had your money ready when you reach the register, instead of digging in your garment-bag-sized purse for five minutes to find your credit card or change. And maybe you shouldn’t sit at the table next to his, with your two-year-old screeching like a broken trumpet into his ear, flinging cutlery at his head. And here’s an idea: you aren’t required to take that cell phone call while you’re standing in line, or sitting at the table. Even if you do, you don’t need to speak so loud it sounds like you are using a megaphone. And turn the damn phone off when you are sitting behind me at the theater, lecture, or workshop. Maybe you can show a little courtesy for others by not pretending you are the only person in the universe that matters.

Sincerely, Matt.

(Editor’s note: Matt’s advice is for entertainment purposes only, and should only be considered “advice” in the academic sense. Perhaps not even in the literal sense.)